My Mental Struggle
I have wanted to share my story for a while now, and feel this is the best way to do so. I know that we all struggle with trials, weaknesses, and hard times, and my purpose is not to maximize my trials, or minimize those of others. I want to share what I have experienced and learned, to be able in some way, help those out there that may be struggling with similar things. If you can’t relate to exactly what I have experienced, maybe you know someone who can that you can better understand and help. Never before have I shared so publicly about something so personal to me, but I feel now is the time to do so. Though there still remains such a stigma around mental illness, I want to share my story as it continues to unfold, and my daily struggle with my mental health.
I have always been a fun, life-loving, optimistic, hope-filled girl. Those around me always have commented on how I have always been so happy, and would bring such light to everyone around me. This is who I truly am, but not what the mental illness lets me be all the time.
I have always been a fun, life-loving, optimistic, hope-filled girl. Those around me always have commented on how I have always been so happy, and would bring such light to everyone around me. This is who I truly am, but not what the mental illness lets me be all the time.
It all began my freshman year of college. I had moved away from home, into an apartment where I knew no one. I had just broken up with my boyfriend, and my brother who at the time was my very best friend was serving an LDS mission in Italy. I remember the first night in my bedroom all by myself, and how lonely I felt. I wrote in my journal that night about how hard it was, but that I was excited for the new wonderful things that college life would bring. My brother had found such good friends his freshman year of college, and had told me about all his fun experiences. I was so excited to create my own similar memories, and develop such friendships. Well, that first year of college ended up being very different than I had expected. I really struggled finding joy. I took a ballet class every morning which I loved, and that motivated me to get up in the mornings and start my day, but all my days were full of classes, homework, study hall with a TA, and more homework. I remember many nights spent in my room alone, doing homework while I could hear the voices of other freshman outside laughing and having a good time. I would think to myself, "how do they have time to do that, with all the time these classes require?". What was strange though was I didn’t long to be with them. I wanted to have those “freshman experiences”, but at the same time I didn’t want to leave my apartment. I thought I was just so busy with my classes, and that I was just getting used to the learning curve and the workload that college had brought. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was.
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Though I met new people, and gained new friendships, I spent much of my time alone, and didn’t realize how hard and dull I was seeing life. I didn’t realize that I was seeing it much harder than it actually was, or needed to be. I didn’t realize that I was suffering from depression and mood swings. It wasn’t until my mom mentioned to me that she thought I seemed unhappy and that I probably needed some extra help, that my outlook on life started to change. Though I couldn’t see the problem, she could and I trusted her. To be completely honest I thought I was fine. I thought what I was feeling was a normal thing for people to feel when they were going through the trials and experiences I was going through at that time in my life. I was wrong. I went to the doctor and started to take Trileptal. Again so you understand, I didn't think I had mood swings or depression. In my mind I felt completely “normal”, or what I thought normal was, but I trusted my mother. I had grown up with a lot of mental illness around me and had learned that if someone very close to you says there is a problem you should trust them. I had seen what happened to others who had a mental illness but didn’t take medication because they thought they didn’t need it. I only saw hardship, tragedy, and struggle for not just that person but their family and anyone close to them. I am so grateful I just trusted my mother and humbled myself to do something she thought was best for me, though I couldn’t see it at all.
I went on with life, and was taking my medication every day. I went through the next few years of college happy, and loving life. I didn’t even realize how I saw life easier, brighter, and better. Again, I didn't realize the difference the medication made. I kept taking it because I continued to trust my mother. I thought life was better because I had just gotten over my freshman blues, and the changes that came with it. I thought life was better because I was living with my cousin, best friend, and two of my brothers lived down the hall from me. I thought I was happier because life was easier, but life was easier because my brain was functioning normally. I worked, took 16 credits every semester, and still had time to go and hang out with my friends and family. I look back at the rest of college and it was such a joy. It's not that all the sudden I didn't have trials anymore, but when they came up, I was able to keep my happy perspective and hope.
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Near the end of my college experience I went on a mission for my church. I spent 19 months serving in the Ventura California mission, in the Spanish language, teaching and helping people come unto Christ. I worked hard, and gave all I could. I worked everyday from 6am until 10:30pm, and though I went through some hard experiences and trials, life was still so positive, and I enjoyed every minute. I became a leader in the mission and was able to help bring a lot of people unto Christ.
Then I came home from my mission, and though that was one of the hardest moments of my life I still enjoyed life, and had the hope and faith I needed to remain happy through my trials. I found joy in working at the Missionary Training Center, helping other missionaries learn Spanish and prepare to teach people. I was known for the joy that I found in the gospel and what I was doing. I was known for my hard work and dedication, and I loved the 2 years I spent teaching in Provo and 3 months in Mexico City. It was actually there that I met my husband (Mexico Missionary Training Center), and we had a wonderful courtship. Once I came back to the states, we dated long distance for 6 months. It was hard, but again I had the hope and optimism I needed to be happy.
Then I came home from my mission, and though that was one of the hardest moments of my life I still enjoyed life, and had the hope and faith I needed to remain happy through my trials. I found joy in working at the Missionary Training Center, helping other missionaries learn Spanish and prepare to teach people. I was known for the joy that I found in the gospel and what I was doing. I was known for my hard work and dedication, and I loved the 2 years I spent teaching in Provo and 3 months in Mexico City. It was actually there that I met my husband (Mexico Missionary Training Center), and we had a wonderful courtship. Once I came back to the states, we dated long distance for 6 months. It was hard, but again I had the hope and optimism I needed to be happy.
The changes started when we made the decision to get married. It was February 2014. We had decided we wanted to get married and we were figuring out the logistics of it all. We both wanted to start a family right away, which meant we had to think about the medication I was taking. We made it a matter of prayer, we know that we can talk to God through prayer and He will answer us. So we prayed to him, and we both felt we needed to do all that was possible to start our family ASAP. That meant that I would start going off the medication so there wouldn’t be any complications. At the end of February 2014 I slowly started lowering my dosage of Trileptal, until I completely went off it. I was told that it needed to be out of my system for 6 months prior to trying to start a family so the baby wouldn’t have any side effects from the medication. That is when I started seeing my world differently again, but this time I noticed the difference. Slowly but surely the long distance between Roberto and I seemed a lot harder. I started becoming anxious, thinking that things wouldn’t work out. I started to really worry about money, and made sure I found myself a job that I could make as much money as possible. There were many moments before we got married that I would be up and down with my feelings, up and down with my anxieties, and it was the first time in my life- almost 7 years after being diagnosed, that I realized something was not normal or right. That I did in deed have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and that I did need help.
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It has been over a year and a half since I was on medication. Roberto and I had a wonderful wedding, and have enjoyed an incredible first year of marriage. We have been happy, and have truly enjoyed every moment together, but the shadow and trial of my mental illness has been very apparent, and continues to influence every day of our lives. My “mood swings” and depression, have gotten worse over this year and a half. Though I have had plenty ups, moments of pure joy and happiness, I have experienced many downs as well, deeper and more common than before. There have been many nights where I feel that I am in the dark. In the past I was able to rely on my strong hope and faith, but now it has been hard to finds those two things in the moments of my dark abyss.
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I have now wanted to write about my struggle with my mind because it has been harder than ever before. My sweet husband tries so hard to help me, but I feel such guilt being an emotional and mental burden. I know first hand that the trials of mental illness do not attack the person alone, but all those close to them as well, especially the spouse. So many times I think, "well we aren’t getting pregnant, so maybe I should just start taking my medication again, so I can be the normal happy me, and not have to struggle through so much ups and downs", but then I think well who knows, maybe next month, or the next month, or as each month passes by it gets harder and harder.
I don’t want to write this to show all the darkness of mental illness and it’s cruelty, but I want you to know of the very real struggles so many people go through, people that you never expected or could imagine that struggle. My intent of writing this is to let you know there is hope. Though at times it may be difficult for me to find it or see it, there is always hope. Those of you that have the ability to take medication, do it. I know it is hard to see the need sometimes, and I know it’s even harder for some to humble themselves and admit they have a problem. The cruelty of mental illness is that the part of us that helps us have hope and overcome our trials is the what is broken, and doesn't function properly. What gives us hope through the trial, is the trial.
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So this is my story, my journey, and the day to day struggles I live with. Though I am very far from understanding mental illness perfectly and do not have all the answers, hopefully I can help get rid of the stigma that surrounds it. Hopefully I can make it more real, and not just sweep it under a rug. Hopefully I can help others feel that they are not alone in this fight. There are many people around them, those they would not even expect that struggle, and this is to help us all be able to find joy through mental illness.